Ike and the Greil Mercenaries
by Ivanfanatic
Summary: So begins the story of Ike and his adventures with the Greil mercenaries... The second part of Roadside battle. Ike figures out some battle tactics, Mark learns how to use a javelin, and Gatrie wants a snow cone. Elincia shows up at the end, yay! ...right
1. Prologue

Credit to Nintendo.

* * *

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Ike. His daddy was big and strong and had a bunch of people working for him and they fought bad guys and Ike wanted to be just like him! 

Actually, Ike was pretty content with throwing misc objects at people walking passed his window, but fate decided that Ike was going to be a hero instead.

Our story begins with Ike, age older teenager, and his younger teenager sister, Mist. Mist is out in the field picking flowers and poison ivy while Ike is getting the crap kicked out of him by his father.

Little did Ike and Mist know, that today, the fate of their world would change forever… not really.

"DAAAAAAAAAD I'm bored and it's hot and I don't feel like doing this anymore!"

"Suck it up like a real man, Ike!" Greil, Ike's father, growled. "You're somethingteen now and its about time you took your swordsmanship seriously!"

"I wanted to be a soldier but NO! I have to use a SWORD!"

"Pansies use lances! Just look at Oscar!" Greil pointed behind him. The lance knight of the group, Oscar, was busy sitting with Mist in the field of flowers. He was busying himself by making a daisy chain wreath for Mist to wear. Oscar was also wearing a wreath that Mist herself had made.

"But dad! About 75 percent of the people in this world use lances!"

"And you are not about to become a statistic! Statistics are bad! I got a C+ in that class in high school because Statistics are so bad! Now ready your sword!"

"FIIIIINE." Ike raised his sword, but once again, took another ass whooping from his father. Seeing this sent Mist into a panic and she made a mad dash to her brother's side.

"Ike! Ike! Are you alright?"

"Ow… I think I broke something…"

"Yeah. Your brain." Greil muttered. "Fight Boyd for awhile. BOYD!"

"What?" Boyd looked up from picking his nose.

"I want you to battle Ike. You see, I'm trying to teach him that swords are better than lances."

"But… AXES RULE! We can take out lances!"

"That's right! AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!" Greil pointed at Ike.

"Then why won't you let me use an axe-"

"Because you're a pansy!"

"But I thought pansies used lances!"

"…Well I'm trying to keep you from becoming an even bigger pansy!"

"I'm not a pansy! I just have no desire to learn how to fight!"

"Grrrrr Just fight Boyd."

"FINE." Ike got up off the ground, dusted himself off, then marched onto the field.

"Hold on!"

"Yeah, dad-OW!" Ike looked up just in time to get smacked in the head by a vulnerary. "THAT HURT!"

"Good! Use one to heal yourself, then use the rest later!"

"Blargh." Ike used the first portion of the vulnerary, and then readied himself. "Are you ready Boyd?"

"…What are we doing again?"

"You're sparring with Ike, you dumbass!" Greil threw a rock at Boyd's head.

"OW! I knew that…"

"Alright then… Commence!"

Much to Ike's surprise, the battlefield suddenly had little black boxes everywhere. Confused, Ike began to move.

"You can only move in the blue squares! The red squares show where you end but you can hit!" Greil explained.

"Is this part of that "technology" stuff?"

"Yup!"

"Do you have to end every sentence with an exclamation point?"

"Yup!"

"Come on, Ike! I'll cut you down!" Boyd taunted. Ike rolled his eyes, moved forward, and then stopped.

"Er…" A sweat droplet ran down the back of Ike's head. Big red words appeared above his head that read "Enemy Turn", but Boyd didn't move. After a few second, blue letters sporting the word "Player Turn" appeared above his head.

"BOYD! You could have MOVED!" Greil threw another rock at Boyd.

"OW! Well pretty soon I'm not GOING to move if you keep throwing rocks at me!"

"Boyd?" Ike was now standing next to Boyd. Boyd turned his attention to Ike right when Ike's training sword came crashing down on his shoulder. "OMG!"

"GAH!"

"You can't be frightened by your opponent's reaction, Ike!" Greil instructed, "Now finish him!"

"I can't!"

"WHY NOT!

"It's not my turn!" Ike pointed to the red letters above his head. Boyd stood there, crying, and then when the blue letters came up again, Ike landed another blow on Boyd. Boyd toppled over and landed on the ground, whimpering.

"Alright, alright, that's enough!" Greil blew the whistle. "Shake on it." Ike held out his hand to the wincing Boyd, who shook Ike's hand after Ike had pulled him off the ground.

"Sorry about that Boyd. Didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's alright… just… let's not spar again for a long time, okay?"

* * *

"Man… I'm not really sure about this mercenary thing…" Ike was looking out his window with his chin resting on his arm. "My father is so strong and I'm-" he paused for a minute to hurl an empty can at a passer-by. "-not." 

"HEY!" A man suddenly jumped in through the window, knocking Ike backwards onto the floor.

"HOLY FRENCH FRIES!" Ike shrieked.

"Actually, it was an empty green bean can, but close enough!" The intruder gruffly placed one foot on Ike's chest, holding him down. Slowly he drew an arrow out of the quiver on his back and drew it back on his bow, aiming for Ike's forehead. "I think you owe me something."

"I…I… DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD Shinon's threatening me again!"

"Well maybe if you stopped throwing shit at him he'd leave you alone!" Greil's voice came from outside the door.

"See?" Shinon nodded his head towards the door. "Listen to your father, wittle Ikey, and maybe I won't have to hurt you next time."

"Shinon, leave him alone." Titania was now standing in the doorway.

"Whatever." Shinon muttered as he removed the arrow from the bowstring. He expertly sheathed the arrow back into the quiver, then headed for the doorway.

"Ahem…"

"What."

"Shouldn't you apologize to Ike?" Titania nodded towards Ike. Shinon looked at Ike, then to Titania, then back to Ike again. He paused for a moment, then looked back at Titania."

"…No."

"Shinon!"

"He threw a can at me! AGAIN! For the 5th time today!"

"Actually the first time was a chicken bone, the second was one of Oscar's house shoes, but yeah, the last three were cans." Ike counted as he looked at the ceiling. Shinon looked pissed off (so what else is new) and Titania looked irritated.

"Alright, that's enough, both of you. Get to bed. Your first assignment is in the morning, Ike. You need your sleep."

"Yeah… I'm going…"

"And Shinon?" Titania turned her attention to the sniper.

"What."

"Be nice to Ike."

"Fuck no."

"SHINON!"

"Whatever, Titania. I'm going to bed. Night night, wittle Ikey." Shinon scoffed at Ike, then left the room.

"He hates me! Why does he hate me?"

"BECAUSE YOU THROW SHIT AT ME!" Shinon burst back into the room, but Titania yanked him back.

"SHINON! OUT! NOW!" Titania threw Shinon behind her while at the same time, she grabbed Ike's door and slammed it shut.

Ike lay there on the floor, starring up at the ceiling. Tomorrow was the first day on the job and he really wasn't looking forward to it. He didn't know if he was nervous or just didn't want to go, but he knew if he didn't get to sleep, there'd be hell to pay in the morning.


	2. The Battle Begins

Credit to Nintendo and all that fun stuff. Apologies for lack of Comedy. Could not think of anything.

* * *

"Tweet. Tweet. Tweet." 

"Nhmmm… quiet…"

"Tweet. Tweet."

"Shush… I'm tryin ta sleep… zzzz…"

"TWEEEEEEET! TWEEEEEEEEET! TWEEET-" A firecracker came sailing out of Ike's bedroom window and landed in the bird's nest. The bird's eyes went wide as the firecracker went off, leaving behind a scorched nest and an ash covered bird.

"Yeah… don't chirp so loud next time!" Ike muttered as he pulled himself away from the window. Something suddenly hit the back of his head and he slowly reached behind his head to see what it was. Whatever it was, it was wet, gooey, and warm. A look of disgust shadowed Ike's face and like a bolt of lightning, he was back at the window. "I'LL GET YOU! I SWEAR I WILL!"

"Chirp!" The bird just shook its now-featherless butt at Ike before hoping to a neighbor's nest higher in the tree.

"Stupid lunch meat grrr… wait... what time is it-OH CRAP!"

* * *

"Did you sleep well, Ike?" Greil and Titania were already in the dining hall chattering about something Ike was obviously clueless about. 

"I had trouble getting to sleep last night but yeah, I think I'm okay."

"Well… EVERYONE ELSE WAS UP AT DAWN! IT'S 10 AM!"

"SORRY!"

"I even paid that damn bird outside your window to wake you up!"

"Oh, he woke me up alright… believe me…" The shadow of discontent returned to Ike's face as he clenched his right fist in vengeance. "And I will be the last person he ever wakes…"

"Erm… Ike, pretend that you're sane and go wait outside! Titania and I have things we wish to discuss!"

"Yes, sir." Ike nodded, then headed out the front door.

* * *

"Man, Ike! I was wondering if you'd ever wake up!" Boyd stopped doing whatever he was doing and turned his attention to Ike. "The Commander was really irritated!" 

"It wasn't MY fault some weird scary guy jumped in my window at 11 O'clock at night!"

"You were throwing things at Shinon again, weren't you?" Oscar was now behind Ike.

"WAAAAH! Don't do that!" Ike nearly leaped out of his skin, "AND WHY ARE YOU IN AN APRON!" Oscar was standing in the doorway of the kitchen holding a tray of steaming bread products, dressed in a pink apron with cute little frills.

"I was cooking." Oscar explained, "I've been helping Mist improve her cooking skills, and well… this is the only apron that fit me… Care for an egg and cheese croissant?"

"Sure! I could use some breakfast." Ike grabbed one of the steaming croissants and took a bite. "Mmmm… edible food…"

"My cooking is not bad!" A shoe came flying from the kitchen, but Ike easily stepped out of the way, the shoe nailing Boyd right between the eyes.

"OW! MIST!"

"I was aiming for Ike!" Mist was now standing in the doorway, her hands on her hips and her lips in a frown.

"Don't worry about him, Mist. He was just joking. Right Ike?" Oscar raised an eyebrow, but his eyes still remained closed.

"Y-yeah, come on, Mist! I'm just messing with you! It's in the big brother handbook!"

"I'll let you go this time, but next time, you're eating leather soles! Come on, Oscar!" Mist stormed back into the kitchen with Oscar in her wake. Ike just shrugged it off and took another bite of his croissant. For some strange reason, Boyd had walked up to the kitchen door and peered inside. Seeing that Mist and Oscar were over by the stove, he made his way back to Ike, grinning like a fool.

"You want to know something creepy?"

"What, Boyd." Ike rolled his eyes as he took another bite.

"Oscar sews and he made that apron for himself."

"There's nothing wrong with a guy knowing how to sew! My dad sews!" Ike frowned, "You don't have seamstresses out on the battlefield!"

"…Ike. The apron is pink and it has frills."

"…Okay, now I see your point."

"Hey, whelp, Greil wants to see you." Shinon walked out of the dining hall and shot a nasty look at Ike. "Well, get moving, boy! You don't want to be late AGAIN, now do you?"

* * *

It seemed the second that Ike got in the door he was being rushed out the door again by Titania. 

"What's going on?"

"Your father asked me to take you out on your first mission." Titania explained, "Greil is taking Shinon and Gatrie out with him to handle the other two jobs. They're much more difficult than what you're ready to take one. Oscar and Boyd will be joining us."

"Seems fair enough." Ike shrugged.

"Captain Titania!" Oscar rode up dressed in full armor, and Ike found it hard to stifle a laugh. "Everything is packed and I'm set to go!"

"It's a good thing we can always count on you at least, Oscar." Titania smiled.

"I'm ready, too!"

"Really, Boyd?" Titania smirked and raised an eyebrow.

"Damn straight!" Boyd puffed out his chest. "I have to be a good role model for Ike!"

"Uh huh." Ike just raised a brow.

"If everyone is ready, let's move out!" Titania gave the order, and the four of them rode out to their destination.

* * *

"This is Caldea." Titania explained, "We've been hired to fight off some bandits." 

"Titania, do you HAVE to explain the red dot and the blue dot crap?" Boyd whined. Titania answered by slapping him upside the head with her steel axe.

"Actually, Oscar explained it to me yesterday." Ike quickly spoke up.

"I did-" Oscar looked confused, but Ike shot him a glance. "Oh yes, I remember now."

"If you know what the dots are then, Ike, can you tell me?" Titania looked a little unhappy, but impressed at the same time.

"Yeah. We're the blue dots. The enemy is the red dots. The guy waiting at that house there?" Ike pointed to the mansion where some guy named Zawana was standing. "He's the boss. I know that because A) he has a name and B) he doesn't look like everyone else."

"Wow. I'm actually impressed." Titania looked a little pleased, "So what about the weapons triangle?"

"Swords beat axes, axes beat lances, and lances beat swords. Wait. That's not fair! I get beat by pansies!"

"What?" Oscar looked confused.

"Never mind." Ike shook his head.

"Well then… you know your tactics, lets see what you can do on the battlefield." Titania turned her attention to a bandit not too far from her.

"…Ike, Oscar didn't tell you any of that stuff!" Boyd frowned, "You lied to Titania! If she finds out, she'll gut you like a hamster!"

"Actually Soren explained all of that to me a long time ago." Ike lowered his voice. "Dad thought Soren would teach me something about being a mercenary before he got the chance, so he offered Soren an option to fight with another mercenary group for awhile to study magic."

"Wow. No wonder my quality of life has picked up. I don't have weird angsty mages lurking in corners telling me that I'm a waste of space and I have a 3:4 miss ratio."

"We're in the middle of a battle, if you two don't mind!" Oscar rode by. "Chat later!"

"Fighting… naaaaaaah." Boyd yawned, then walked to the nearest house. "I'm going to go see if they have anything useful."

* * *

"YAAAAAAAAAARGH! Those mercenaries showed up, boys!" The big brigand named Zawana grunted. "Hurt 'em and stuff! Do mean things to them!" 

"It's those darn villager things!" Another brigand grunted. "They's gone an' hired' thems mercenaries down yonder! I'm gonna burn me down some houses!" With that, he marched to the nearest house and kicked it.

This caused the house to spontaneously combust, but luckily, there was no one in the house. It was a haunted house, anyway.

All the way on the other side of the map, Ike was busy looking over the edge of the cliff.

"Wow. It's a long way down."

"YARGH! What do ya think yer doin!"

"Oh noes!" Ike turned around. A brigand was grinning at him with only 5 teeth and was lumbering at him like a drunk fresh out of a bar. All of a sudden, the brigand stopped a diagonal pace away.

"Oh barnacles."

"HA!" Ike laughed at the brigand.

"I will get you, boy!"

"Yeah, whatever." Ike snorted, then waited for the blue words to appear. When they did, he frolicked for a bit in front of the brigand, just to make him mad.

That's when Ike noticed the shove command.

"Hey… what's this?"

"It means ya can shove me over a space!" The brigand grunted.

"Hm…" Ike looked at the brigand. "That doesn't sound… very… useful…" Ike said slowly as he eyed the cliff. He slowly looked to the brigand, back to the cliff, then back to the brigand again.

Then grinned.

"Oooooooh you ain't gonna do that-AIYEEEEEEEE!"

"I like that shove command!" Ike grinned.

"IKE!" Titania rode up, a look of confusion and horror on her face. "Did you just kick that man over the cliff?"

"Well… yeah." Ike blinked, "We're in a battle!"

"Still, that wasn't nice!"

"I do what I want!" Ike fussed, then ran over to Zawana. "I'm taking you down! Let these villagers go!"

"Not after you just kicked Bob over the edge! Seriously. Not cool, man."

"I don't care!………. but you gotta admit it was cool."

"Yeah, it was." Zawana grinned, "Did you see his face when he fell? Priceless."

"Ike! This is no time for pleasantries! Kill him already!" Titania ordered.

"Oh sure. Yell at me for killing Bob the Brigand, but order me to kill this ugly guy. Whatever." Ike kicked Zawana in the stomach before delivering a finishing blow.

* * *

"Titania tells me you performed rather well!" Greil congratulated Ike. "However, there is one thing I'm not happy with what you did." 

"Why is everyone mad at me for killing Bob the Brigand! I was just doing my job!"

"Actually I was going to yell at you for being 7 levels behind but THAT WORKS TOO!" Greil randomly threw a rock-hard biscuit at Ike.

"OW!"

"Dad, you're supposed to eat it, not throw it!" Mist frowned. Greil grunted and grabbed a biscuit, then tried gnawing at it with his teeth. Mist looked pleased. Greil looked like he needed to see a dentist.

* * *

Later that night, Ike was back in his room, thinking of how the day went. Obviously it was much better than yesterday because he actually got to DO something, but Ike still wasn't too sure about this mercenary thing.

"Why was everyone always asking if I was nervous? No, I'm not nervous!" He thought to himself, "And I don't know why! Ooo skittles."

Yay for Ike's limited attention span.

"Hey Ike, you have a letter." Oscar knocked on the door. "Can I come in?"

"Sure." Ike hid the skittles in his desk draw and then opened his bedroom door.

"It's from Soren." Oscar handed Ike an envelope. "Let us know how he's doing, okay?"

"Sure." Ike waved to Oscar, then as soon as the lance knight was gone, Ike bolted his door shut and tore open the letter.

To Ike,

Get me out of this mercenary group before I drive myself and everyone around me insane. Sad to say, I think everyone around me is ALREADY insane. While my studies with magic have improved as well as my tactical skills, I have no desire to put my mentality at stake for much longer. I am going to Melior to study in the libraries there and I will return to the Greil Mercenaries next month. Tell Greil I apologize for arriving home much sooner.

Soren.

P.S. If Greil ever decides to hire a loud and irritating cleric with pink pigtails, do not be alarmed if I turn him into a human bonfire.

Ike grinned. Soren was a loner at heart and he could barely stand the company of the few Greil mercenaries as it is. Still, he was going to return home in a month and this made Ike both happy and unhappy.

It made him happy in the sense that his best friend was returning home. It made him unhappy that he had to go to extra lengths to hide his skittles because Soren could find them like needs in a haystack.

Ike lay back in bed and closed his eyes, smiling. He had another busy day as a mercenary tomorrow, but he wasn't worried at all.

Then again… Ike opened one eye.

He did have a bag of Mist's rock rolls hidden under his bed and a bone to pick with a certain bird.

"Just you wait…" Ike yawned, "Tomorrow at dawn. It's just you and me, bird…"


	3. Rescue

Chapter 3 aka Rescue is here. Sorry if this chapter is terrible. I'm starting to get bored with just these characters.Extreme OOCness in here.Ah well. Marcia and Nasir will be making appearances next chapter. And pirates. Yes. Okay. I don't own FE. AND STUFF!

* * *

Two black, beady eyes peaked out between two leaves and stared intently at the bedroom window sitting not too far from the tree. A semi-scorched birdy head slowly pushed its head between the leaves, and then hopped its featherless butt to the edge of the branch. The boy he was hired to wake was still in bed, buried under a pile of blankets. HA! So much for revenge! 

This made the birdy very happy. He ruffled his feathers maniacally before he opened his mouth and took a deep breath-SMACK!

"PWNED!" Ike shouted as he flung himself at the windowsill to watch the unconscious bird sail backwards into its nest. "That'll teach you to wake me up!" Ike yawned, then lumbered back to the pile of blankets on his bed and disappeared beneath them.

* * *

Not more than 2 hours later, Mist came barging into his room, a basket in her arms and a blanket over her shoulder. 

"IKE!"

"What."

"I'm going out to pick flowers. Want to go?"

"…" SMACK!

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAD," Mist burst into tears, "IKE JUST THREW A ROCK AT ME!"

"Actually it was one of your dinner rolls-" Ike began, but he was cut short as an actual rock hit him in the face. "Dammit! What's up with this story and everyone throwing stuff?"

"YOU STARTED IT!" Greil shouted, "Now go out and pick flowers with your sister!"

"But I have a JOB NOW dad!" Ike rolled over in bed.

"Oh yeah." Greil rubbed his chin. "Speaking of which, YOU'RE LATE!" He was now standing in Ike's doorway, too, along with just about everyone else except for Rhys and Titania. Titania was busy doing Titania things and Rhys was pruning the healy bushes.

"Dad, its SATURDAY!" Ike whined, but Greil didn't care.

"GET OUT OF BED!" Greil yanked Ike's pallet up, along with Ike still on it, and heaved it towards Ike's window. The pallet hit the wall and slid down, but Ike tumbled out of the window and landed on the grass with a loud thump.

"Ow… why'd he have to go and do that…huh?" Ike sat crooked as he rubbed his butt, but he noticed that Rolf and Shinon were starring at him. "What are you two doing?"

"NOTHING!" Shinon made a motion towards Rolf. Rolf quickly hid something behind his back and stood there whistling.

"Is that a bow Rolf is hold-"

"IT'S NOTHING!" Shinon drew an arrow back and pointed it at Ike. "You saw nothing… are we clear?"

"Um…" Ike shifted uneasily, but Rolf pulled out his bow and pointed an arrow at Ike. "HA! He DOES have a bow!"

"ROLF!"

"Sorry! I was trying to be menacing!" Rolf looked like he was about to cry.

"You cry, and I'll stop sneaking you into the girl's locker room." Shinon narrowed his eyes. Rolf immediately stopped crying and saluted Shinon. However, this was cut short when he smacked himself in the head with his bow and fell backwards down the hill.

"WAAAAH!"

"I hate kids…" Shinon muttered, then looked at Ike. "You didn't see anything… got it?"

"And you're going to do WHAT if I tell someone?"

"Let's just say, a little bird told me where you hide your skittles."

"WHAT!" Ike looked up. A cheep and a little "Pbbbbbbbbbbb" noise came from the tree and Ike frowned. "Fine. I won't tell anyone that you're teaching Rolf how to shoot a bow."

"Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a ten year old to find." Shinon mumbled, then started down the hill to find the poor kid.

* * *

TWO HOURS LATER!

* * *

"Good morning, Rhys! You're looking much better." Titania cheerfully greeted Rhys. 

"I'm feeling much better." Rhys looked nervously at the kitchen. "Mist still isn't learning how to cook, is she?"

"Maybe letting you taste her first dish wasn't such a good idea…" Titania faked a smile.

"Nooooooo really?" Boyd walked by.

"Boyd, you owe me 50 push ups for being a smartass!" Titania snapped, "And another 100 for actually coming up with something that clever!"

"I can't! I'm uh, I gotta go spar with Ike and I HAVE TO PEE!" Boyd rambled and took off towards the kitchen.

"…Right. Anyway, when I was watering the healhedges this morning, a man gave me this letter and told me to give it to you." Rhys held out a letter.

"To me?" Titania looked at the letter. It was in a pink envelope and covered in little hearts.

"He said to give it to the red haired paladin."

"Hm…" Titania opened the letter. "Oh no!"

"What's wrong!" Rhys spazzed.

"Reading glasses." Titania pulled out her reading glasses and held the letter a good deal away. "Let me see here…

To the red harred winch

Wee haf kidnaped leetl boy and leetl gurl. Wee r mad that yoo haf kild owr frends in Caldea. Giv us munny or wee wil kil them.

Luv, bandit guys.

…Well, they managed to spell Caldea right." Titania finished reading. "Wait… OH NO!"

"This better be good, I'm starting to get heart burn." Rhys gagged.

"Rolf and Mist have been kidnapped!"

"How can you tell? They just said "leetl girl" and "leetl boy!"

"They drew these pictures." Titania handed the letter to Rhys. Sure enough, Mist and Rolf's pictures were drawn just above their names. Of course, it looked like a four year old drew them, but there was no mistaking Rolf's green hair. "Go find Oscar and tell him to keep Ike and Boyd here!"

"Shouldn't they go help rescue Mist and Rolf?"

"No. This is from Bandit Guys." Titania explained, "I uh… have some unfinished business left with them."

"Ike and Boyd aren't going to like this." Rhys tapped his chin.

"Think of a way to occupy them." Titania put her reading glasses away. "Hurry!"

* * *

5 minutes later

* * *

"OSCAR!" Wheeze. "IKE!" wheeze. "INHALER!" Rhys's hands darted about his robes until he finally found his inhaler. After a few deep breaths and the aid of his inhaler, Rhys was fine. "I'm okay!" 

"What's wrong?" Oscar was standing in the doorway wearing his apron with a tray of gingerbread cookies in his hands.

"Titania told me to tell you to keep Ike and Boyd here!"

"What's going on?" Oscar asked, just as Boyd and Ike walked in.

"It's Bandit Guys!" Rhys explained, completely unaware that Ike and Boyd were listening in. "They kidnapped Mist and Rolf!"

"OMGWTF!" The gingerbread cookies screamed.

"But… Mist and Rolf were out picking wildflowers this morning… They said I couldn't go… I'm not sure why, either…" Oscar looked confused.

"Bandit Guys?" Ike raised a brow. "You mean those hicks living on the hill in that old trailer?"

"Wait… are those the guys that Titania…" Boyd began, and then both he and Ike broke into grins.

"Actually… Titania… she… um… oh hellfires. Let's play Monopoly instead!" Rhys tried, but Ike and Boyd wouldn't go for it.

"Give it up, Rhys. There's no way in hell I'm missing a chance to get into a brawl with some rednecks. Let's go save my sister and Rolf." Ike waved to Boyd.

"You can't! Titania wants you to stay here!" Rhys panicked.

"Rhys, its my SISTER!" Ike explained, "I can't let those guys kill her! Or worse, do something… weird… ugh…"

"That's my brother they, took, too!" Boyd joined in, "Come on, Rhys! We have to save them! You, too, Oscar!"

"Alright." Rhys sighed. "I'm in."

"Me too!" Oscar set down the cookie tray as heroic music came on.

"Uh… Oscar?" The heroic music stopped when Boyd spoke up.

"What?"

"Apron?"

"Oh. Sorry!" Oscar quickly yanked off his apron, and then grabbed his lance hiding behind the door. Once again, the heroic music came on and the four of them ran out the door.

* * *

"…Eenie meenie myni mo. Catch a tiger by his toe. If he hollers, let him go. Eenie meenie myni mo." Ike went back and forth between the two roads. The four of them were now standing at a fork in the road, trying to decide which way to go. 

"Ike, you're a sucky leader."

"Shut up, Boyd."

"Guys, I really think we should go back… Titania is not going to like this…" Rhys swallowed hard.

"We're going to get confined for this, I just know it." Oscar sighed, "No flower picking for two weeks!"

"Will you two girls shut up?" Boyd snapped, but Oscar continued.

"Or cooking!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Boyd fell in agony to his knees on the ground with his fists in the air. Randomly he changed his town when he thought of something. "Hey! Oscar! You know this area well! Which way do the Bandit Guys live?"

"The left road." Oscar pointed. "I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a sign." There was a street sign at the fork, with a sign reading "Bandit Guys" pointing towards the left, and a sign reading "Don't go this way you dumbass" to the right.

"Oooooooh." Ike and Boyd slowly nodded then took off towards the left.

* * *

"Heeey its thems whelps!" Ikanu was standing on a rock, dressed in overalls with a big straw hat on his head. "Where's that red 'aired wench that's supposed to be with ya'll?" 

"She's not coming!" Ike shouted, "Now give me back my sister and friend!"

"Nu uh!" Ikanu grinned, "We're gonna wait right here until that purdy lil red head shows up! HEY! C'mon out, boys!"

"Oh joy." Ike watched as hicks sporadically popped up out of the ground like gophers.

"Where did they come from?" Rhys whispered to Oscar.

"I don't know, but I don't bother to ask that anymore." He whispered back.

"Okay, this battle shouldn't be too hard." Ike started dishing out orders. "Okay, Oscar you kill things. Rhys, you stay in the back so you don't get hurt. Boyd, don't touch anything that you don't know what it is. Okay, lets do this!"

"LET'S WRESTLE!" Ikanu drawled, and then staggered all the way back to a fence and stood there and picked his nose.

* * *

"Waaaaaaah! I'm scared!" 

"Cheer up, Rolf!" Mist tried to soothe her friend. "My big brother will be here to save us!"

"…WAAAAAAAAAH!"

"What?"

"My brothers will be here to save me, too!"

"But that's a good thing!"

"Not Boyd! Boyd'll only make things WORSE!"

"Don't say that!"

"BOYD SUCKS! WAAAAAAAH!"

"Rolf, that's mean! And besides!" Mist was angry now. "Boys aren't supposed to cry!"

"I don't care!" Rolf snapped, then kicked a chicken running around for no reason. "I do what I want!"

* * *

There was much hooting and hollering as the Bandit Guys battled Ike's gang. 

"WHY CAN'T I HIT ANYTHING?" Boyd cried out as he once again missed hitting someone. Luckily the bandit swung too hard at Boyd and ended up lodging his own axe in his head, but this wasn't helping Boyd any.

"Try AIMING!" Ike rolled his eyes as he went up to level 304589394058.

"Okay!" Boyd turned to the next enemy. It was a mercenary who seemed pretty occupied with picking his nose. "You better watch out for the great Boyd! I'm taking you down!"

"Eh?" The mercenary looked up just in time to see Boyd's axe come crashing down on his leg. "WAHHH! ME LEG!"

"HAAAA! It worked, Ike! It work-OW!"

"Pay attention!" Ike back fisted a brigand in the face. The brigand died and Ike went up yet another level. "Now hit him back!"

"But my arm hurts-"

"DO IT!"

"FINE!" Boyd fumed, and then brought his axe down on the mercenary. He yet out a yelp and disappeared, causing Boyd to jump for joy. "HA! I did it!" Accidentally, Boyd let go of his axe. The axe went flying towards Rhys, who ducked, and the axe landed right in the back of a brigand's head.

"Watch it, Boyd!" Rhys reached for his inhaler. "You almost took off my head!"

"Sorry!" Boyd shouted, and then went after several more enemies. After about ten minutes. Boyd was standing there, bleeding and heaving heavily. "I… I got 'em all bwa ha ha ha I'm so cool."

"Boyd, maybe you should try dodging every now and then." Oscar began to rummage around in his bag. "I… don't seem to have a vulnerary."

"What's a vulnerary!"

"One of those healy items."

"….Does it look like kool-aid?"

"Yes."

"DAMMIT!" Boyd snapped, "I drank all mine at the beginning of battle! I couldn't figure out why Rhys gave them to me but now I do!"

"Ike!" Oscar called out, "Do you have any vulneraries?" No response. "Hm. He's too far away, and Rhys…" Oscar looked behind him. Rhys was a good deal away too, looking around and making sure no one would randomly attack him.

"I'm going to diiiiiie!" Boyd drawled, "And I'm bleeding and I hurt-HEALY BUSH!"

"What-no, Boyd-" Oscar began, but Boyd was already running head on towards the bush. "STOP!"

"Huh?" Ike turned, accidentally slicing Ikanu's belly open.

"Oh shucky darn." Ikanu died.

"BOYD! STOP!" Ike shouted, but it was too late.

"Yessss healy bush!" Boyd rolled around in the sparkling bush. "Wait… I'm still bleeding. THIS BUSH IS BROKEN!"

"That's not a heal hedge!" Oscar shouted, "That's poison ivy!"

"…I'm not having a good day, am I?" Boyd frowned and sat there pouting in the poison ivy.

"Boyd! Oscar! Ike! Rhys!"

"Oh shit." Rhys reached for his inhaler.

"Oh uh… Hi Titania!" A drop of sweat ran down the back of Oscar's head. "Lovely weather-I'll be quiet." Oscar shut up when he saw the look on Titania's face.

"Mist and Rolf were being kidnapped!" Ike began to protest when he saw Titania walk towards him.

"You defied my orders!" Titania snapped. "Your actions could have put them in even MORE danger! On top of THAT… why did you have to go and kill my ex husband?" Titania pointed to Ikanu. "You know I was still getting alimony money from him!"

"Ya'll hush!"

"Hm?" Titania and everyone turned their attention to the bandit standing outside the trailer. He was armed, with Mist and Rolf standing behind him.

"Rolf!" Oscar called out.

"Oscar?" Rolf looked up, "Help me!"

"Rolf! I'm here, too!" Boyd shouted as he scratched himself.

"Boyd?" Rolf's eyes welled up with tears. "WAAAAAAAAAAAH! HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

"Hey! I'm here to save you!"

"I don't WANNA be saved by you! You suck! You have a 1 to 4 hit ratio!"

"Grrrr That's it. I'm punching that stupid mage the next time I see him!" Boyd fumed, and then scratched himself some more. "Damn poison ivy…"

"Ya'll listen up!" The bandit called out, "Drop yer weapons, else I gut these kids like piggies!"

"Like hell you will!" Boyd shouted, but Titania held out her arm.

"I'm putting my weapon down!" Titania said very loudly. "AND SO IS EVERYONE ELSE!"

"But-"

"WEAPONS! DOWN! NOW!"

"Yes ma'am." Ike squeaked, then dropped his sword, dinner rolls, rocks, and anything else he could find in his pockets.

"Wait. Those are weapons?" Boyd asked as he dropped his axes.

"Yup." Ike looked slightly smug.

"We're completely unarmed!" Titania held her hands in the air, and everyone followed suite.

"Good! Cuz I'mma make these chill'uns squeal like piggies!" The bandit turned to Rolf and drew back his sword. Rolf let out a shriek and threw his hands up in front of his face, then randomly kicked the guy between the legs.

"AYIEEEE!" The bandit whimpered, then out of nowhere an arrow came flying out of the woods, nailing him right between the eyes. "Ugh.. Ya'll come back now…hear?" and died.

Rolf slowly moved his hands back and saw the bandit on the ground in front of him, dead. With a sigh of relief, Rolf's eyes rolled backwards and he passed out.

"ROLF!" Oscar cried out, but Mist held up her hand.

"He just fainted! He'll be okay!" She explained as Rhys rushed over to help.

"Who's arrow was that?" Ike asked.

"…Mine." Shinon walked out of the forest. "I'm skipping the heroic speech. It really isn't me and I sound stupid when I say it."

"YAY SHINON!" The Gingerbread cookies squealed. Confused, Shinon looked around and tried to locate the source of that sound. Seeing nothing, he shrugged and bent down and took the dead guy's wallet.

"All… I… Did…. Was… Sweat…" Gatrie lumbered into the area. "Can't… Breath… oh…GRAH!" With a huge heave, Gatrie stripped off all his armor. "That is SO much BETTER!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Mist screamed, then fainted on top of Rolf.

"Forget this. Oscar, you lift them." Rhys waved to Oscar, and then threw a towel at Gatrie.

"Gatrie! How many times do I have to tell you?" Titania snapped, "WEAR SOMETHING UNDER YOUR ARMOR!"

"Yeah, you fat tub of lard!" Shinon rolled his eyes. "There are CHILDREN present!"

"I'm not fat! I'm muscular!" Gatrie fumed, "And you try wearing that armor! It's hot and it makes me slow and it makes me look FAT!"

"You ARE fat!"

"Shinon, Gatrie's not fat." Titania snapped, "Now Gatrie, put your clothes back on so we can go home!"

"But-"

"GATRIE! CLOTHES! NOW!"

* * *

"Man, I can't believe I got grounded for saving my sister!" Ike kicked his pallet back up against the wall. "Wait… I don't DO anything. What exactly did I get grounded from DOING?" 

"A little to the left, Shinon!"

"How's this, Commander?"

"That's good! Now hammer away!"

"WHAT!" Ike turned around. Shinon was outside on a ladder, hammering a board over Ike's window. "Hey! What are you doing!"

"Daddykins here says you're grounded for two weeks from throwing things." Shinon smirked, "That IS the only thing you do… and it's about damn time we boarded this window. Finally, I can come home drunk and have my hangover in peace!"

"Unboard this window right now!" Ike demanded. Shinon only smiled, waved, and then nailed the final board in place. "Nuuu…"

"Hey Ike! Mail!" Gatrie tossed an envelope under Ike's locked door. "I think it's from Soren!"

"Gatrie, were you going through my mail again!"

"I was uh… I was just making sure that… if any of the girls that write to you… you know…"

"…Girls write to me?"

"Uh… I have to go cook dinner! Bye!" Gatrie thundered off down the hall. Ike grumbled, and then tore open his letter.

"Stupid Gatrie… those were my girly letters…" Ike fussed, "Yeah, its from Soren."

To Ike:

I'll be home in two days.

Soren

P.S. I already know that you hide your skittles behind that loose brick beside your desk. Find a new hiding spot.

"Stupid mage."

P.P.S. I'm not stupid, I'm just smarter than you are.

"WAAAAAAAH!" Ike tore the letter up. "I'm being outsmarted by a piece of paper!"

"Lights out, Ike! We have a big day tomorrow!" Greil's voice boomed from the other side of the bedroom door. "Now GET TO SLEEP!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Ike muttered, then crawled into bed. In seconds he was asleep, thinking of ways to break the boards out of his window and find a new hiding spot for his candy.


	4. Pirates Aground

Yay I updated! Um... this chapter sucks. It took me forever because I honestly didn't have any ideas for it, but I went ahead and wrote it up today. I tried on this. I really did. I don't know why but I found this chapter to be extremely difficult. I apologize if it sucks and if you hate me and want to throw bugs at me that's fine. I proofread it best I could so hopefully you won't have to gorge your eyes out from a mispelled word. Alright! Let me know what you think! ...and this is random, but I noticed that at the end of the chapters Ike gets mail. If you have a really strange urge to write Ike a letter... send me an email/reply/whatever. If I get a bunch I'll only pick maybe one or two as I don't want to overload the page. Okay. Here's Pirates Aground! Kate

* * *

There was a narrow slit between two of the boards nailed to Ike's window. A small stream of light was allowed to enter the room, and it was between these two boards that two small eyes squinted to see what lay inside. The room was still. The bed was made, the desk was neat, and the only thing that seemed slightly out of place was a small wooden box that peeked out of the rafters.

Well this sucked. _Never trust a solar powered alarm clock!_ The bird reminded itself, and then a look of confusion and discontent spread over its feathered face. _Wait… the sun isn't OUT at-_

SMACK!

"GET AWAY FROM THAT WINDOW, BIRD!"

"IKE, let's GO!" Titania shouted from the bottom of the hill.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming." Ike mumbled and lumbered down the hill to catch up with Titania, Shinon, and Gatrie. He received yet another lecture from his father that morning, and then was given his assignment to go with Titania, Shinon, and Gatrie. Greil had told Ike and the others that their punishment would be delayed, but the boards would remain on Ike's window. However, Ike would only remain angry for so long, because as soon as the small band of mercenaries arrived in Port Talma, Ike learned that they were fighting PIRATES today! Actually, no, Ike didn't care much then, either.

"Alright, here we are!" Titania briefed her subordinates. "This should be another easy one for you, Ike, since you're still in training. We've been hired to run these pirates out of here."

"Do you want standard thunder and lightning tactics here, Titania?" Gatrie asked.

"Sure. Why not." Titania rolled her eyes, "Just as long as you keep your clothes on."

"What's thunder and lightning?" Ike asked.

"It's when I crash into people and Shinon rains arrows down on them!"

"Speaking of Shinon… SHINON!" Titania turned her attention to the sniper over by a fruit cart. Shinon stood there with his arms folded over his chest. Ike could see that his lips were moving and the pirates had already inched their way over to him. The pirates did not look happy at all. "I see Shinon has gone and provoked the pirates." A thin smile crossed Titania's face. "Ike, take out the guys with axes. GATRIE!"

"What?" Gatrie peeked out from the armpit of the armor he attempted to remove.

"ARMOR. ON. NOW!"

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

"I'm so bored." Ike mumbled. He already tried to attack a couple of the pirates, but all the pirates wanted to do was go after Shinon. Shinon had managed to crawl on top of one of the houses and stood there with his pants down. He would continuously smack his bare butt with his free hand and hurl insults at the pirates while poor Gatrie would bump them around with his big gut. Occasionally, a pirate or two would fall into the water and somehow DROWN, but the rest of them would try to climb the house to get at Shinon. Titania stood off to the side with her hands cupped around her mouth like a megaphone and consistently screamed at Shinon to pull up his pants and fight like a real man.

Ike found this a wonderful time to go about and see what was in these open doors. Oscar told him once that if you go and assure the villagers everything is okay, you get free stuff like lances, axes, swords, ice cream, etc. It was fairly hot out and Ike was hoping to get some ice cream, but sadly the only open door was to that of the inn and not the ice cream shop. It was empty inside except for a man at the bar. He was fairly tall with light blue hair and was dressed somewhat like a merchant.

"Um… hi."

"…Are you one of the mercenaries hired to save this village from pirates?" The man asked.

"Um…" Ike glanced out the window. Shinon was still on the roof, Gatrie was out of breath, and Titania's face was beat red with exhaustion. "…You have no idea how tempted I am to say no."

"With comrades like that I completely understand." The man now stood behind Ike and could clearly see what was going on. "Well, in any case, I came here to see the world famous fish market. These pirates are ruffling the feathers of these villagers and I'm limited on my vacation days. Stupid corporations. I've been with the company for over 10 years and I STILL only get two weeks and its not even PAID!"

"Um…"

"Sorry." The man cleared his throat. "Here. It's a um… free sample." He placed a blue vial into Ike's hand. "It's an elixir. It'll heal you completely. Oh yes! It's also strawberry flavored."

"Nice!" Ike stuffed it into his pocket. "Okay. Um… I'm just… going to go out there and kill people now. Bye."

* * *

"Hey! You there! Boat Monkey!"A pink haired Pegasus knight flew down from the sky and hovered a bit near the pirate captain.

"Argh, can' ye jus' leave us alone!" Cap'n Harvetti snapped.

"You lied to me! You said you knew where my brother was!"

"Rar, we did!" The first mate groaned, "Scallywag, he was! Tried cheatin' me by Shanty Pete he did! So I tossed 'em overboard into the rollin' waves!"

"YOU DID WHAT!"

"Calm yerself, mate!" Harvetti snarled.

"Arr… arr… fine."

"Grrrrr I hope your axes are as dull as your wit because I'm taking all of you out!" The Pegasus knight threatened, and then quickly added "…but I'm going over here to do it!" And with that she flew over to the other end of the ship and sat there. "Oh fish sticks… the things I do for you, brother! …Now if I only I could remember your name!"

* * *

"These elixirs sure came in handy." Ike mumbled. He had taken out most of the pirates who were not interested in Shinon and was on his way to the ship itself. Up ahead, Ike noticed a Pegasus knight engaged in a minor battle with two mercenaries, but as soon as she killed them both, she began to waver back and forth on the Pegasus.

"Oh crackers, there's too many of them!" The girl's hand flew to her forehead as she leaned to her right. "There's too many… I'm going to die… oh …whatever your name was brother…" and with that she rolled completely over and hung there, upside down under the Pegasus. The Pegasus, by the way, didn't seem to notice and continued to much on the clothing of a dead pirate.

"Don't give up!" Ike said the first thing that came out his head.

"So… cold…ah what?" The girl's eyes opened and she hoisted herself back up into an upright position. Once again, no movement from the Pegasus. Munch munch.

"Er… I'm here with… myself." Ike sighed in conclusion, "I'm here to rid this port of the pirates."

"Awwww that's so sweet of you!" The Pegasus knight grinned and pinched Ike's cheeks, "What's your name, handsome?"

"Um… its Ike." Ike backed up and rubbed his face. "Ow."

"I'll have to pay ya back somehow!"

"Er…" Ike turned bright red.

"NOT LIKE THAT!" The girl shrieked and hit Ike upside the head with her lance.

"SORRY!" Ike rubbed his head, "Believe me, if you hang around mages long enough you start thinking otherwise! Anyway, I'll have to get back to you on that. Just get out of here and I'll take care of these guys, alright?"

"Alright handsome!" The girl winked, "I won't forget ya! Hope to see you again soon!"

* * *

"Don't you EVER do that AGAIN!" Titania's voice was harsh and raspy.

"Hey. We got them all, didn't we?" Shinon pointed to the dead bodies floating in the water.

"Has anyone seen Ike?" Gatrie suddenly spoke up.

"Oh no, I-" Titania tried to call out but her voice gave way. She shot a nasty look at Shinon, and then pointed to the pirate ship.

"You mean to tell me that little pup took care of the ship on his own!" Shinon's eyes raged with fury as he saw Ike head down the gangplank of an empty pirate ship.

"Ike! It's good to see you're alive!" Gatrie grinned, "And nice job taking care of the pirates!"

"Thank you so much!" And old man walked up to the group and began to ramble. "I was hoping Greil was going to be here bla bla bla but I'm so happy you got rid of the pirates!"

"All in a day's work, I guess." Ike rubbed the back of his head.

"You know, I still think Commander Greil and Lady Titania would be better off in the Crimean Army! Perhaps even generals! The whole land of Crimea would be safe with them holding the reigns!" The old man continued.

"Er…" Ike looked confused for a minute but Titania whispered something in his ear. "My Commander here says that she thanks you for the compliment, but she and my father are perfectly happy with protecting everyone here first hand."

"Not a selfish bone in your body, is there milady?" The old man chuckled, "Well I must be going. My diaper doesn't change itself, you know!" With that the old man lumbered off.

"Ha. Little jobs like these are annoying." Shinon mumbled, "My talents should be put to FAR more use than this!"

"Mooning people and having Gatrie knock them into the water is hardly something I would call talent." Ike snapped.

"Shinon does have a point." Gatrie backed up his buddy, "We're professionals here. I'm not saying that we're ungrateful for the work, but… it would be nice to have something a little more challenging then fighting pirates and bandits."

"Titania says she's ashamed of you two for acting like that. She says you should take pride in your work and-my room IS clean, I cleaned it this morning!-oh, she says its rather mean and spiteful of you-" Ike stopped as Titania tried to clear her throat. She tried to say something but nothing came out, and a look of heartache replaced that of discontent.

"We're sorry, milady!" Gatrie sighed, "We didn't mean it like that…"

"I was just JOKING." Shinon insisted, "J-O-K….ing!…oh forget it, I failed spelling in school. Let's just go home so I can get drunk and forget I live with you people.

* * *

"I get the boards off, I get the boards off, GRAHAM CRACKERS YAAAAAAY!" Ike randomly squealed, and then turned back to his window. After hearing what happened earlier that day, Greil decided it was okay if Ike took the boards off his window. Ike didn't care that he had to do it himself. Those evil boards of boredom were gone and his life would return to normal. Once the boards were removed, he discarded the lumber into the woodpile beside the kitchen and carried the ladder into the house.

"Uh… here's your uh… mail, Ike." Gatrie handed Ike a letter before he stiffly turned around and walked off whistling loudly. After Ike put the ladder up against the wall, he noticed something in Gatrie's hand.

"…I want my girly letter, Gatrie."

"ITS MINE!"

"NO ITS NOT! GIMME!"

"But, but-"

"Give me the letter and uh… Soren will bake you a cake!" Ike randomly blurted out.

"…Soren bakes?" Gatrie quarked a brow.

"He does now!" Ike insisted, "He bakes really good scrumptious cakes… he'll bake you one when he gets home tomorrow but only if you give me the girly letter!"

"OKAY!" Gatrie caved and handed Ike the letter. It was a white envelope covered in lots of pink hearts and there was some sort of pink lip prints all over it.

"Right. Thanks." Ike walked into his room and silently prayed to Ashera that Soren knew how to bake. Well, he could always con Oscar into doing it, but for now, he was going to bet on Gatrie's ability to get distracted by something shiny and hopefully forget about the cake. "Okay, let's see here…"

Dear Ike,

Hey there, handsome! I was just writing to say thanks again!

"…How does she know where I live?"

DON'T ASK ME HOW I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE okay I asked this man in the inn with blue hair and he gave me a free elixir. It was strawberry flavored! He said that you were from around here and I told him your name was Ike and we looked it up in the local directory. Anyway, I'm on a quest to find my brother! I don't remember his name, but here is a picture. If you see him at all, just send me a letter!

Much love, Marcia.

"…Aaaaand there is no address attached." Ike flipped the letter about. A picture of a squinty eyed man with fuzzy bright pink hair and a goofy grin was attached. He heavily reminded Ike of a clown. "Whatever. Oh yes. Another letter from Soren. Let's see here."

To Ike:

I'll be home tomorrow. However, I am bringing some rather unfortunate problems with me. Be prepared.

Soren.

"Joy."

P.S. The rafters is not a good idea.

"DAMMIT." Ike crumpled up the letter and once again began to ponder a new hiding spot for his skittles.


	5. Roadside Battle Part 1

…I apologize. This has been sitting here on my laptop for at LEAST six months. I was going to finish the entire chapter but I got side tracked with moving, college, and all sorts of stuff. Mainly Zelda. Why I stick with that fandom I don't know. It depresses me more than anything. Well here's the scoop. I've got some projects and the like to finish up and I'm moving to Texas with my sister in the middle of JOO-LYE (because we're smart like that.) and between working full time and going to school… I'm not going to have a lot of projects to do and a lot less people to bug me :D You have no idea how badly I want to write my FE crack right now. Seriously. It's driving me INSANE but I have priorities that need to be met and it's making me unhappy.

So to tide you over until August and let you know that I'm still alive and I'm not dead and I haven't forgotten about this, Here is the first part of the next chapter for Ike and the Greil Mercs. The next chapter will basically be a continuation of Roadside battle since that's where you meet with Elincia and other such things. It's a long chapter. Ya.

Disclaimer: I do not own FE or anyone or anything in this story. Not even myself. I sold my soul to Wal-mart last year and I've yet to get it back. They have crappy return policies. No offense to any Naruto fans. There's a brief reference to it in here and I don't want anyone jumping on my back because Soren makes a snide comment about it. I personally have nothing against Naruto, but I don't want anyone to be offended and get angry at me because of something Soren says.

Kate and Mark are back by requests of various fans and they will add on to the random chaos already going on.

"Ike! Ike! I've got to tell you something!"

"I'm busy, Mist."

"Listen to this!"

"I'm BUSY Mist!"

"But-"

"It's too early to hear you nag me about something!" Ike grunted, "I've got to keep these skittles from Soren…"

"SOREN'S BACK!"

"….WHAT?" Ike's eye twitched. A feeling of gloom entered Ike's room and he fell off the ladder along with the box of skittles he attempted to hide.

"Yeah! He's just arrived!" Mist jumped up and down, "And he's brought some people with him!

"Aw hell." Ike grumbled from the floor, "Where's he at?"

"He's in the mess hall." Mist grabbed Ike by the leg and dragged him down the hall., "I think he's talking to dad…. And don't end your sentence with a preposition!"

"Trouble again! Gather the troops!" Greil ordered Titania.

"Yes Sir." Titania saluted and marched off to find something to eat instead.

"Ike, if you've got time to loaf around and hide candy then you've got time to work!"

"But its SUNDAY!"

"GET OVER TO THE BRIEFING ROOM!" Thwack!

"DAD!" Mist snapped. "That biscuit was part of lunch!"

"…It had a bug in it!"

"No it didn't-" Mist started to glow a strange yellow color. Greil took this as a hint to get out of there as fast as he could.

"MEETING TIME!" Greil grabbed Ike by the back of his cape and dove for the next room. "I'm not ready to die yet!"

"Put me down! What's going on around here!?" Ike found himself on the cold stone floor for the second time that day "Ow."

"Bad news." A mage in dark clothing stood behind a table which supported a map, headless figurines, half-eaten cookies, etc. "Something big is about to happen and we need to construct a plan."

"Soren!"

"Hello, Ike." Soren looked down at Ike still seated on the floor. "Long time no see."

"I'm happy to see-who are those people?" Ike tilted his head.

"They're… part of the problem." Soren grimaced. Behind him stood a boy and a girl, both dressed in forest green robes. They shared the same brownish hair and light blue eyes, but the boy wore an unnecessarily large pink bow on the top of his head. Everything looked normal about them, but Ike could tell they were a different sort of people when the girl yanked on the boy's cloak and the boy began to howl.

"SOREN! MARK TOOK MY SAMMICH!"

"NOOOOOOOO IT'S MINE!"

"NU UH!"

"MIIIIINE… SAMMIIIICH."

Bam! Whack!

"Ow!!" The girl stood there and rubbed her head while the boy, Mark, flailed about on the floor and cried. Each of them now possessed a very large bump on the tops of their heads. "Whatcha do that for!?"

"I've had enough of your incessant fighting!" The map that was spread out on the table had been rolled up and was now tightly clenched in a very agitated Soren's hand.

"…What does incessant mean?" An invisible question mark popped up over the girl's head as she tilted it to the left.

"It means you're going to shut up and get me a cup of coffee before I hit you again."

"Yessir!" The girl saluted and hopped out the door.

"Wow… I've never seen you act that way before… And you HATE coffee." Ike blinked, "You're usually so… calm and… dark… and creepy… "

"And so cute…" Mist whispered from the corner.

"What's the hold up!" Greil shouted, "I'm missing Survivor for this!"

"Alright! You probably remember that I sent Soren away-I mean, he was training with another mercenary group for awhile! Well, he's back now! He's brought both unbelievable news and two new mercenaries!"

"Actually… they're tacticians." Soren coughed, "And terrible ones at that. They're far more useless than Boyd."

"HEY!!"

"Right! On with the news!" Greil gave the floor to Soren.

"Crimea and Daein have gone to war." Soren began.

"What!?"

"No Way!"

"That's not possible!"

"LIES!"

"WE'RE OUT OF COFFEE!"

"Get in here and sit down!" Soren snapped. Kate quickly scampered in and took a seat next to the now sulking Boyd.

"Be quiet! Soren has things to say!" Greil shouted.

"My apologies, but it's true." Soren spoke as he tacked a bed sheet onto a wall and tried his best to ignore Greil. He walked to the back of the room and turned on a small black box. The image of a map projected out of the box and onto the bed sheet. "Take a look at this map."

"Ah. It's a map of Crimea… Quite detailed!! Carry on!" Greil shouted again.

"Yes." Soren's eye slightly twitched and clicked a button. The picture on the screen changed. "This is Melior, capital of Crimea." Click. "Our base of operations is estimated to be about here." It was back to the picture of the map, only with a crayon-drawn line from Melior to a little drawn house near the seaside. There were misc. happy faces and badly drawn flowers all over the map, too. "Everything began approximately three days ago-MARK!!" A very large shadow that looked like a duck was trying to eat Melior suddenly joined the house and ugly flowers.

"I didn' do it!" Mark yanked his hand down from in front of the projector. Soren mumbled but continued on.

"I had research to do so I went to the royal library in Melior." Click.

"What were ya reading, anyway?" Kate raised her hand.

"Usually you raise your hand prior to asking a question." Soren raised a brow, "And I was researching ways on how to get rid of you and Mark."

"But… that was before you met us!"

"I can see the future." Soren said sarcastically.

"OOO!!" Kate squealed, "What's gonna happen right now!?"

"You are going to shut up and I am going to finish explaining what is going on."

"Wow he's good…" Kate whispered to Rolf and quickly shut up.

"Thank you." Soren regained his composure and pressed on. "Without any warning, a terrible scream pierced the air - much like the one of a wyvern - and the building shook for a brief moment- OKAY! Which one of you two did this!?" Kate and Mark burst into giggles. The two of them had slipped a slide into the projector which contained Soren wearing only a towel. There were crayon scribbles all over this picture, too.

"Nice." Ike snickered.

"This is ridiculous…" Soren grumbled as he flipped through the slides and found these pictures as follows: a picture of a horse appeared on the bed sheet, a picture of Mist, a picture of the horse again only upside down, and finally a picture of Mark and Kate wearing funny hats outside of the Melior library with a disgruntled looking Soren. After he hit the machine a few times and yelled at Boyd to stop picking his nose, Soren found the right slide.

"AS I was saying…I rushed outside and saw wave after wave of knights, cavalry, and of course, wyvern riders, each dressed in the black, ebony armor-"

"Daein's army?" Greil spoke up.

"Yes." A vein throbbed on Soren's forehead.

"Was there provocation?"

"STOP INTERUPTING-Well…" Soren snapped, but stopped and paced for a minute, "As you know, relations between Crimea and Daein have never been… friendly, so to speak. However, there have only been minor battles the last few centuries, but nothing ever this big. It was brutal and sudden. The capital lay in ruins almost instantly. I've never seen destruction on this scale before… Excluding the events of Ike's 11th birthday party at Chuck E' Cheese."

"Shut up!" Ike snapped, "I didn't know the mascots actually had PEOPLE in them!"

"That's awful… daring, though… the attack, I mean." Titania spoke up.

"Sadly it's proven successful." Greil grunted, "The king of Daein would not hesitate to pull off such a terrible tactic. What happened next?!"

"King Crimea's brother deployed the Crimean army, of course…" Soren turned off the projector (which he had borrowed from Kate in case you are wondering), "but on orders of the king, everyone was ordered to evacuate the city. I was unfortunate enough to run into Kate and Mark during this skirmish and I had no choice to but allow them to flee with me."

"So you're from Melior?" Ike looked to Kate. Mark was busy gnawing on the leg of a table.

"Nope. We were just passin' through! We're on vacation." Kate explained, "but still, it was creepy. Stuff was on fire, people were screaming, Soren was smiling-"

"I was not!"

"LIES!"

"So we don't know the tides of battle, do we…?" Greil cleared his throat. "Regardless, word of war can't have reached this far yet. We may very well be the first ones to know. You did well to bring us this news, Soren. I know some risk was involved…"

"You have no idea…" Soren's eyes narrowed into slits as he watched Kate and Mark throw biscuits at each other before Mist attacked them. Boyd randomly took the opportunity to break the projector. Oscar was no where to be found.

"Daein has invaded Crimea… We might be a mercenary group, but Crimea serves as our home." Titania bit her lip. "Besides, I still have yet to receive that settlement from when you guys killed my ex husband."

"Yeah… Sorry about that." Ike stifled a laugh.

"I think it's in our best interest to help Crimea." Titania advised, "The noble houses have been generous to us and we've had plenty of work here."

"What about you, Soren?" Greil asked,

"We are mercenaries, but that doesn't make us Crimea's private militia." Soren pointed out, "The government hasn't paid us a dime so we should stay out of it."

"So you would rather sit here and watch as Crimea is taken over?"

"BY PIRATES!" Mark jumped up and clung to Soren's robes, "I wanna eye patch… piraaaate."

"Get off!" WHACK!! There went the map again.

"WAH!!!" Mark now had two bumps.

"But to answer your question, Greil, YES. I would. Daein's troops are superior in both numbers and morale. The chances of Crimea winning against them are slim to none."

"Nice to see you have such faith in Crimea." Boyd grinned. Soren raised an eyebrow and gently tapped his hand with the rolled up map . "I'll be quiet."

"But King Ramon is known throughout the land for his wisdom! And his brother Lord Renning is well known for his prowess!" Titania insisted, "Daein won't find victory easy with Crimea!"

"Wisdom and Prowess won't defeat numbers, Titania." Soren argued, "its troops and supplies that will win this war. Besides, the King of Daein is every bit Lord Renning's equal! Crimea does not stand a fighting chance!"

"Curse you, Soren!" Titania snapped, "Crimea is not doomed! If they can turn aside Daein's attack and turn it into a test of endurance-"

"Crimea is neither prepared nor moralized for this! What part of CRIMEA IS GOING TO GET ITS ASS KICKED do you not understand!?

"ENOUGH!" Greil thundered. "Both of you!"

"Scary…" Kate whispered.

"We need to assess the situation before we decide what to do!" Greil decided, "We need to send a scouting party to get a closer look at Melior! Ike! You're in charge of this!"

"…What?" Ike starred at his dad in disbelief.

"Assemble your men and get going! Titania will go with you as an advisor!"

"You have GOT to be kidding!" Shinon popped up out of nowhere. "This dog is still a pup! He's barely been in enough battles to have a taste for them! What do you expect him to do!? Pull off some kind of miracle?"

"Since you're so CONCERNED, Shinon… you can go."

"But… bar!… Alcohol!… girls! Must… get… drunk…" Shinon writhed to the ground.

"Let's see who else… Gatrie, Soren, Rhys… and take the newbs, too."

"I thought I was supposed to assemble everyone but okay…" Ike scratched his head.

"Titania, I'm going out to get dru-I MEAN I'm going out!! YEAH! Give Ike some instruction!" Greil quickly dashed out the door and down the road towards the local tavern.

"Oh crackers." Ike grumbled, "Okay. Let's go."

"Ike hold on!" Mist ran up to Ike with a package in her hands.

"What's up, Mist?"

"Here! I found this while I was making dinner!" Mist handed Ike a sword entitled the Regal Blade.

"…What was this doing in the kitchen?"

"Dad left it in there. I'm sure he won't mind if you use it."

"It's so pretty!" Ike's eyes welled up with tears, "It's the first sword I've ever had that actually has more than one hit on it left!! No more hand me downs for me!"

'Oh, and bring me back something nice from Melior! I want one of those new thingies where you put bread in it and you push a button and it cooks the bread-"

"We're not going on vacation, Mist!"

"Awww!" Kate, Rhys, Shinon, and Gatrie all dropped the suitcases they were carrying. Soren stood there and shook his head while Mark rolled around in a healy bush.

"…Ike, I'm bored!" Boyd whined.

"Boyd!" Soren hissed, "You're not even supposed to be here!"

"I was bored!"

"And you thought this would be better?"

"Well YEAH!" Boyd fumed, "We're being NINJAS, Soren!" Boyd struck a pose. He was dressed in clothing that resembled nothing of that to a ninja, and he had a pretty familiar headband on his forehead.

"That explains your poor ninja garb." Soren assessed Boyd's attire.

"Hey! Naruto is a damn good anime!" Boyd poked Soren in the chest, "I don't care what you say!"

"Naruto is the worst anime produced since Dragonball Z and Inu Yasha." Soren scoffed, "Now go change out of that ridiculous Cosplay and put your regular clothes back on before someone sees you. This isn't some convention, it's a BATTLE." Shinon wondered how Soren and Boyd both knew of these things called "anime", but he decided it was best not to ask such questions. He had heard rumors of these "green-cloaked tacticians" from the grunts at the local pub, and it seems that wherever they go, chaos and futuristic kitchen appliances followed.

"Are you-" SNEEZE. "-okay Ike?" Rhys sniffled.

"NO." Ike kicked a rock into the water. It hit a fish upside the head and knocked it unconscious. "I don't get why dad wants me to take over! I don't WANT to! I want to sit at home and not do anything like a normal teenager!"

"But… you're going to succeed him one day."

"I don't CAAARE. I'm nothing like him!" Ike pouted, "Dad is big and strong. He can snap your back in half over his knee if he wanted to!" Rhys cringed at this thought. "Hell, I can… throw things at people. It's fun, sure, but how will that ever come in handy?"

"Who knows?" Rhys shrugged, "Life is full of surprises." And like a surprise, everyone suddenly ran over towards Ike.

"What's wrong?! Why did everyone run like that!?"

"Urge." Soren shrugged.

"Oh. What's the status of that area?" Ike pointed.

"Corpses everywhere."

"Invisible ones, maybe." Boyd looked around. "I don't see anything! Cept a …healy bush… LIES…" Corpses suddenly appeared. "Oh hell."

"Are they Crimean?" Titania spoke up.

"…Judging by the armor, most of them are Daein." Rhys examined one of the fallen soldiers. Titania crossed her arms and stuck her tongue out at Soren. Soren rolled his eyes and mouthed profanities silently to himself.

"So Daein has the upper hand?" Ike theorized.

"The opposite, I think." Soren tried to prove Titania wrong, "The Crimean soldiers were members of the Imperial Guard. That means either King Ramon or another royal family member was among them when they were ambushed."

"Could it have been Lord Renning?" Titania raised another question.

"No." Soren shook his head. "As long as Crimea's army is alive, Lord Renning will not leave their command. It HAD to be someone else…"

"Maybe it was a princess!" Boyd pointed out. "But like… King Ramon kept her hidden in a tower and the only way up to the tower is to climb up her hair!"

"The King has no children." Soren hit Boyd upside the head with his map, "And besides. That's from a children's fairy tale!"

"Uh, guys?"

"Yes, Gatrie?" Ike turned his attention to the up-until-now silent knight.

"We've got company."

"Who are you?! What are you doing here!? I don't care! Get out of my way! Kill them!" Maijin shoved one of his own soldiers out of his way before he snapped his fingers. The Soldiers with him pulled out watering cans and dumped water on the ground. Right away, more soldiers popped up out of the ground.

"What the…" Ike blinked. Five seconds ago they picked on Boyd and now they were stuck in the middle of a skirmish with some Daeins.

"This wasn't supposed to happen." A sweat droplet ran down the back of Soren's head.

"Well… uh…. Greil mercenaries! Get ready to FIGHT!" Ike's voice squeaked at the end. An uncomfortable silence filled the air and the entire Daein army fell down and laughed.

"You did NOT just do that, whelp." Shinon's eyes shot daggers at Ike.

"For the love of skittles…" Ike embarrassingly grumbled and furiously rubbed his temples, "Just… go kill something."


	6. Roadside Battle Part 2

Okay this really isn't funny at all because I'm not in a great mood... I'm caught up in a weird mess right now with some friends because they like drama and I'm all like ew so I'm sorry. I had to get my mind off of it (and my laptop is fixed yay!) so I decided I'd take a crack at finishing up this chapter here. I don't own FE or anything and be warned that this is a crack fic so the canon of characters is going to be exaggerated and somewhat OoC. My apologies. I did proofread but I am not an english major. Please forgive me. (if it is something major and dumb please let me know so I can fix it.)

I think in the next chapter or so I'll concentrate a little more on Gatrie. He's not in this much and I really like him and I need to work with him more. If there's someone you want to see more of, let me know :) I like requests.

* * *

"Alright wittle Ikey, lets see how you handle being the boss." Shinon sneered as the Greil mercenaries assembled at the back of the lot, prepared for battle. "Well? What are your orders, boy?! I'll do whatever your battlefield virgin ass says as long as you hurry up and spit it out!"

"I KNOW ALREADY!" Ike spat, "I'm not STUPID. Okay let me think here…"

"Maybe Mist could do a better job. We're better off with Lady Burnt-biscuits instead of this yellow bellied-" WHACK! One of Mist's famous biscuits slammed into Shinon's face, right between his eyes. 3 damage. "…Oh you did NOT just do that!" A scowling Shinon made an effort to tackle Ike, who now darted behind Gatrie, but Soren quickly dropped his wind tome at Shinon's feet and knocked the sniper flat on his face.

"Stop acting like child and quit complaining." Soren examined his fingernails as he lectured Shinon, "You're not even paying attention to your own surroundings-OFF."

"I was just making it look pretty!" Kate fussed, but she let go of Soren's hair (of which she was braiding) and lurked over to the nearest bush to poke Mark with a stick.

"Okay let's see…" Ike scanned the battlefield while the Daein soldiers loafed about and picked their noses. Some of them threw watering cans at each other while others argued over who had the bigger lance. "We're in the middle of the road and there's not much cover. Soren, Rhys, and the newbs are vulnerable so they'll have to stay in the back… right?"

"You're learning, Ike." Soren picked up his wind tome, made a face at it, and then dusted it off. "Rhys and I can attack from behind, so can Shinon. That's a good strategy."

"Wait, are you COMPLIMENTING me? And MEANING it?"

"…Don't let it get to your head-OFF."

"Wah… Oh yeah!" Kate let go of Soren's hair again and hopped over to Ike. "One more thing that Crankabutt here didn't mention. You need to be wary of enemies with long range weapons like archers and lance users with javelins. Soren, Mark, Rhys, and I can stand behind you to attack but these ranged weapon users can stand in front of you and attack us from behind. It's a good idea to watch for them and take those guys out first."

"Yeah, that's another good point." Ike tore at his hair. "THIS IS SO HARD! I'll never pass statistics in highschool!"

"It sounds hard, but you're still learning!" Kate beamed. "And I barely passed Statistics! I got a D-!"

"That's not passing, they'll make you retake that!! …Oh yeah, what weapons do you and Mark use?" Ike blinked, "Or are you guys some of those completely useless yellow people?"

"Nah, since the tactician's guild doesn't cover this area we can fight." Kate attempted to braid Soren's hair again but she was met in the face with a wind tome that made her cry. "We can use anything. See, if you're a tactician from the tactician's guild, you're required to know how to use everything. Kinda makes sense if you think about it because when you're on the battlefield you gotta understand what affects what right?"

"Really?"

"No, I made that all up just now but that's okay. My last statement still holds SOME water, though."

"True… so… do you have a preference?"

"Sure but we can adapt to whatever you want and or but need! However…" Kate warned, "Be careful for what you pick us to be because we'll be that class the entire time we're here!"

"Well… in that case-"

"Oh yeah one thing. Don't make me use thunder magic." Kate burst into tears, this time on her own and not from Soren beating her with a book, "I have a weakness against thunder magic so I can't use it that well."

"Right… well-"

"COME ON ALREADY!" Shinon howled as he loosened his belt, "If you don't make up your mind, boy, I'll start provoking these Daeins!"

"I'M SORRY! Keep your pants on!" Ike hollered over his shoulder before he turned his attention back towards tactician #2. "Uh… Do I have to decide right now?"

"…Since we're kind of um… in trouble…" Kate pointed to the Daeins that had grown bored with throwing crap at each other and were now marching towards them, "We'll just be yellow people and lurk around here and get in your way. We can discuss this later."

"Alright… well, let's do this!" Ike began, "Soren, you get behind me, Titania you get on my left and Gatrie, on my right. Kate and Mark you stay OUT of trouble and guard Rhys, and Shinon…"

"What."

"Pull your pants up and go over there." Ike covered his eyes and pointed in a random direction. Grumbling, Shinon pulled up his pants, tightened his belt, and then headed off to a corner to provoke more Daein soldiers. After about twenty minutes of fighting, screaming, bleeding, Soren yelling at Kate to leave his hair alone, Ike going up about 3003298502938 levels, and then Soren finally blasting Kate with his wind tome, all that was left was the Daein captain, Maijin.

"Okay he has a javelin." Ike grumbled, "I'll lose against that. Gatrie, you go-GATRIE!"

"It's… too… far!" Gatrie whined as he lumbered up behind Ike, "It's the middle of SUMMER, Ike! It takes me twice as long to go anywhere! I want a snow cone!"

"Yes, but he's an armored knight like you. He's not complaining." Soren pointed to Maijin, who was in the middle of a taunt battle with Shinon. It was hard to hear what they were saying, but Soren could make out brash threats involving a tea kettle and popcorn salt.

"Aww that's cuz he's a skinny thing with an ugly mustache." Gatrie put on his helmet and picked up his lance.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!? MY MUSTACHE?! IT IS NOT UGLY! PREPARE TO DIE!" Maijin suddenly forgot about Shinon.

"Wait! I didn't mean it! Your mustache is fine!" Gatrie flailed and very slowly dodged a javelin that came sailing through the air in his direction. Instead, the javelin flew passed him and pierced right through the middle of Mark's bright pink bow.

"…Uh oh." Kate let go of Soren's hair and dove for a healhedge.

"What? What's going on?" Ike looked over at Mark. Suddenly, without warning, dark storm clouds rolled in and the air became quiet. Even Maijin stopped hurling javelins everywhere for a second to see what was going on. Very slowly, Mark turned around, his eyes red with fury and his fists shook with rage. The javelin was still lodged in his bow, of which a very angry Mark reached up and yanked out. The bow instantly fell from Mark's head and his green cloak also fell from his body, revealing dark green and brown soldier's armor and Mark looking ultra super awesome sexy.

"You destroyed my bow!" Mark said in his ultra super awesome sexy voice as he glared ultra super awesome sexy like as he pointed the javelin super awesome ultra sexy style in Maijin's direction.

"He made fun of my mustache!" Maijin cried as he pointed at Gatrie, who was now busy eating a snow cone, but Maijin was quickly cut off when Mark hurled the javelin back at him. "WAH!!!"

"…Okay, Ike." Mark ordered, "You take him out. If you've noticed your Regal Blade has an advantage against knights and cavalry. It should be an easy win for you."

"One step ahead of you!" Ike tossed his sword into the air, caught it, and then brought it crashing down on Maijin's shoulder. Maijin cried out and disappeared into a cloud of smoke, leaving only a pile of ashes and his javelin behind. Mark reached down and picked up his bow, cloak, and the javelin leftover from Maijin. He wandered off, grumbling, while everyone else stood around trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

"…Um, Kate?" Boyd popped out of a healhedge, "What just happened?"

"WELLLLLLLLL…" Kate rolled her head over towards Boyd, "See when you knock off Mark's bow, he suddenly turns into this bishonen-like ultra super awesome sexy know-it-all expert tactician."

"…So then why does he wear the pink bow," Soren began, and then looked over at Boyd, "And where have you been!?"

"Practicing my awesome ninja skillz!"

"…I shouldn't have asked."

"If Mark stays in ultra super awesome sexy know-it-all expert tactician mode you wouldn't have a job." Kate grinned devilishly but that just made Soren throw his wind tome at her again, "I'M LYING, he wears the bow because I make him. Females cannot handle Mark's ultra super awesome sexiness."

"That's not true." Soren sneered, "You're not affected."

"I'm Kate, I'm an exception to nature."

"So I've noticed." Soren raised an annoyed eyebrow.

"But check THAT out." Kate pointed to Titania, who was groveling at Mark's feet with pink hearts flying everywhere. The dark scary clouds were gone and naked cherubs were flying around Mark as he stood there with golden rays of annoyingly bright sunshine streaming down on him from the heavens. "Now if you'll excuse me..." Kate whirled around and marched over to Mark, and then swiftly threw a paper bag over his head. Instantly, Titania snapped out of it, the naked angel babies flew off, and the annoying rays of sunshine disappeared.

"Well…" Ike shook his head in an attempt to shut out of his mind what had just happened. "Aside from Mark's … pinkbow, did we suffer any causalities?"

"No one is wounded or dead." Titania pretended nothing happened and patted Ike on the back. "Good job, Ike!"

"I'm wounded! Soren hit me!"

"You deserved it."

"DID NOT!"

"I dunno about this though…" Gatrie rubbed the back of his head, "Takin' out all these soldiers like that is gonna raise some red flags for Daein… Hey, Shinon, watcha doin?"

"This guy's got some nice weapons. Besides, he ain't gonna complain." Shinon snorted as he poked around a dead body, "He's long gone, he don't need 'em no more-"

"SHINON!"

"What?!"

"Get your hand out of that dead man's pants and act like a civilized person!" Soren snapped, "Steal from the dead on your own time!"

"WHAT!? You judgemental arrogant little-"

"Shinon! Stop picking at dead bodies! Soren! Stop starting fights with people! Boyd! Take off that stupid outfit! Can't you guys get along?! We have more important things to do than fight over stupid matters like that-hey, is that silver axe?" Titania shoved Ike and Soren out of the way to take a look at the dead guy on the ground.

"Alright, that's enough!" Rhys wheezed, "I'm going to be sick… can we get away from the dead people? Please?"

"Yeah… lets head out of here." Ike agreed, "We need to tell my dad what happened."

"It'll be best to take this road." Soren turned his attention towards a road leading through the forest. "We should be able to cut through the forest and…erm…" Boyd was poking around in the bushes near the edge of said forest, but Ike noticed the funny look on Soren's face.

"Whats wrong?" Ike peered over Soren's shoulder.

"No, as I said!" Soren briefly panicked, "This road-"

"Wait!" Rhys pointed out, "There's something on the other side of that bush!"

"Maybe it's a wounded soldier or an animal-"

"NO WE'RE TAKING THE ROAD-" Soren spazzed, but everyone decided to ignore him and go see what exactly was wiggling around in the bush because that is totally much more exciting then watching Soren throw a temper tantrum.

"Oh no…" Rhys ran over to the bush, Ike and Titania right behind him. A grumpy Soren followed along with everyone else to see what was going on. A woman with dark green hair dressed in an orange dress was sprawled out on the ground. "It's a… woman."

"Leave her." Soren said hastily, "She looks rich and important. Daein was probably after her so we'd best leave her alone."

"She's okay!" Ike completely blew off Soren, "Hey Rhys, help me get her to her feet."

"Is anyone even listening to me!?" Soren stomped his foot, "Hello?! Rich looking green haired woman in the middle of a forest surrounded by dead Daein soldiers?!"

"We better get her home." Ike and Rhys were already carrying her towards the edge of the forest. "She looks like she needs a good meal."

"I really don't think this is a good idea! What if she's someone of great importance!? We could become wrapped up in this skirmish between Crimea and Daein!"

"Soren, we can't just leave her here." Titania sighed heavily, "War or no war."

"Titania, _trust me_." Soren warned, "This doesn't bode well!"

"It'll be fine, Soren." Titania said one last time, and then joined Ike and Rhys at the edge of the woods.

"Look, they're not gonna listen to ya." Kate fussed, "The only thing you can really do is go back to base and wait for Daein to show up and then you can go I TOLD YOU SO and make them cry and then they'll go Soren! Please come up with an awesome plan for us! We should have listened to you! And then we'll beat up Daein and run far, far away."

"…Kate?"

"Yes?"

"…Please tell me you're not weaving my hair into that heal hedge?"

"...Well, okay, but that doesn't mean I'm-" WHACK! "OW. I'M SORRY, MEH!"


End file.
